The way people behave, after sometime, is so complicating. They get bored of you... Start hating you, May be because like I said they start realising that I am a human too. The way he has been behaving, makes me feel like... What have I become? A creature? May be. May be he sees that now. Sometime ago for me he was someone I would not even consider being with, then I did, though I wasnt so involved, but then once I just dont know what happened... I fell for him. So hard, that when I did he understood that I am nothing special and that I dont even need to be made feel special.
Feels like I am compromising, my happiness, he cant even see it. may be he does and he doesnt want to. The sad part is I want him to be happy. Which makes me want to compromise my happiness. That day, he asks "You're doing this because you want to right? Not because I want you to?" And I denied. I wish I had siad yes that day. I wish I could explain what really was on my mind. He does love me. But may be what we have between us is not love. If it were love, both of us would be happy making sacrifices. He is not happy sacrificing his time, and I am not happy sacrificing my happiness. I dont mind sacrificing it, if he were happy. But in spite of doing so, he still wouldnt be happy... KILLS me inside. I want to break free. Scream, Shout, Cry, Laugh. Be what I want to be. Not what someone needs me to be. Today, if I am real busy, and someone asks for help from me, I would definitely sacrifice my stuff and help that person, no matter how much of trouble. But I wouldnt do the same, if that person wouldnt even be happy after me doing so. Wish he would be that same old guy, who would laugh and make me laugh, and behave like life is great. Sadly, things have changed.
I miss you mom. May be not everyday. But I really do. I wish you were here, to show me love, I wish you were here to make me feel that you cared. I wish you were here to say its okay. I need you to tell me its high time for me to start studying. I need you to hug me and say that you love me. I love you ma. I am so tired. I need an out. I want to go off somewhere, may be to a place where I can study. I dont know what I am supposed to do. Dad behaves like, he never cared about me. He gossips like a lady. Why on earth would someone want to know what you are going through? Why dont you mean what you say? Why do you always think everything is negative? Why do you pretend to work hard? Why do you push thing upon others? Why cant you behave like you, and not what you've turned into from all these years, by which I mean, a hypocrite.
I need a place to live alone. Start things all over again. Be me. Love me. Be happy. I dont mind going to Panchgani, Lonavala, Mahabaleshwar, USA, Southpole, Northpole... Wherever!
I want to be me. And I will be happy when I am me. I want to listen to lots of music, may be even compose some. I want to dance, and may be sing. I want to click pictures. I want to watch movies. I want to read stuff. Lots and lots of it. I want to be with mom. I dont want the vicious circle again. Am just plain tired of being what I have to be. I want to help people as well. I've seen that it makes me happier when people are happier. I am scared of exams. Also I am thrilled. I dont know why? This should be different. Will be seventeen during my boards... How thrilling! (sarcastic).
