Dear Bhai,
I never called you that, but that's not what I want to talk about. I dont want to name you and ruin it for you, so it's just bhai here. I dont think you read this, and I hope you don't, but I secretly hope you do. I always knew you were different, intelligent, fun and awesome but I didn't realize that might be something that made you feel alone. I ALWAYS wanted to be you. Like I knew I was doing something right if I was sounding like you or behaving like you. Not everyone has cool brothers. Most people I know have brothers that would either not be bothered about their sisters or would be extremely protective/possessive of them. I'm not saying you weren't, I'm not even going to go there but you were the guy I admired. Idolized. When they argued about you, I always took your side, I always told them if you were doing something you had probably thought about it well.
I know you hate all the corny things anyone says, I know you hate hugs and kisses but you did show care. I don't know about others, but you cared about me. I cant say the same now. Not just with material things but emotionally, which wasn't really you, but you were still there.
I remember when I was a kid and you were still a teenager and you kept running away from the family, they said you are at the age where it was normal for you to act that way... But I think that never went away. You hated being around. Nobody understood you, and you never gave them a chance. You've taught me so many things, starting from spellings and grammar to random advice.
I remember playing coconut coconut with you on the terrace of the flat in Juhu. I remember watching Godzilla with you and your friend which was one of my first movies I think or at least one of the first I remember watching. I remember you marking my finger with ink when I cried because mom and dad were out to vote and I just wouldn't shut up so you made me think I'd voted too. I remember you not letting me hold your hand and it made me so terribly sad. I remember hitting you and hurting you physically and you wouldn't do much because you were the 'older guy' and you were supposed to understand and how after sometime you just stopped responding to me and I stopping hitting and we never fought again. I remember you listening to all the amazing music and passing it on to me, and it still lives with me. I remember all the wonderful things you cooked and how by the time you left, you hardly found any joy in cooking. I remember clicking pictures with you, and how your awful forced smiles made me never want to click pictures with you and maybe that's why I don't have any pictures of us. I remember telling you that something about your girlfriend was weird because every time she'd come over I'd spend the day crying and you asked me what I would do if you got married to her, and I said I'd just have to deal with it because you chose her. I remember not being invited to your wedding, I hardly expected it but they certainly did. I remember how I would get so annoyed by how you blabbered senseless things while working or playing games and I would sometimes record them and play them back to you to make you realize how ridiculous you sounded. I remember when a certain relative made you cry just because you got bad marks in school and even though I was only five and he is pappa's age I wanted to hit him with a bat for doing that to you. I remember how you always knew about stuff before anyone else and I thought you were the coolest.
How you always knew when something was artificial. How I still think of you when I smell someone smoking Gudang Garam or Marlboro. How you had no clue about your ownself and still managed to take care of me when you had to. I am trying so hard to deal with you gone, and it's so hard. It's not fun anymore to tell mum that she's only my mum. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. If I could change everything I would. I swear. I want you to be okay. Please please be okay. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I hate you and that I don't need you but if you really don't need me I'm just going to stay out of your way. Remember how I said at the beginning of this page that I secretly hope you read it? Please don't read this. I know you'll hate it. It's not emotional blackmail I just couldn't hold it in. You can choose to ignore it if you do come across this. Happy Birthday. I miss you.
I never called you that, but that's not what I want to talk about. I dont want to name you and ruin it for you, so it's just bhai here. I dont think you read this, and I hope you don't, but I secretly hope you do. I always knew you were different, intelligent, fun and awesome but I didn't realize that might be something that made you feel alone. I ALWAYS wanted to be you. Like I knew I was doing something right if I was sounding like you or behaving like you. Not everyone has cool brothers. Most people I know have brothers that would either not be bothered about their sisters or would be extremely protective/possessive of them. I'm not saying you weren't, I'm not even going to go there but you were the guy I admired. Idolized. When they argued about you, I always took your side, I always told them if you were doing something you had probably thought about it well.
I know you hate all the corny things anyone says, I know you hate hugs and kisses but you did show care. I don't know about others, but you cared about me. I cant say the same now. Not just with material things but emotionally, which wasn't really you, but you were still there.
I remember when I was a kid and you were still a teenager and you kept running away from the family, they said you are at the age where it was normal for you to act that way... But I think that never went away. You hated being around. Nobody understood you, and you never gave them a chance. You've taught me so many things, starting from spellings and grammar to random advice.
I remember playing coconut coconut with you on the terrace of the flat in Juhu. I remember watching Godzilla with you and your friend which was one of my first movies I think or at least one of the first I remember watching. I remember you marking my finger with ink when I cried because mom and dad were out to vote and I just wouldn't shut up so you made me think I'd voted too. I remember you not letting me hold your hand and it made me so terribly sad. I remember hitting you and hurting you physically and you wouldn't do much because you were the 'older guy' and you were supposed to understand and how after sometime you just stopped responding to me and I stopping hitting and we never fought again. I remember you listening to all the amazing music and passing it on to me, and it still lives with me. I remember all the wonderful things you cooked and how by the time you left, you hardly found any joy in cooking. I remember clicking pictures with you, and how your awful forced smiles made me never want to click pictures with you and maybe that's why I don't have any pictures of us. I remember telling you that something about your girlfriend was weird because every time she'd come over I'd spend the day crying and you asked me what I would do if you got married to her, and I said I'd just have to deal with it because you chose her. I remember not being invited to your wedding, I hardly expected it but they certainly did. I remember how I would get so annoyed by how you blabbered senseless things while working or playing games and I would sometimes record them and play them back to you to make you realize how ridiculous you sounded. I remember when a certain relative made you cry just because you got bad marks in school and even though I was only five and he is pappa's age I wanted to hit him with a bat for doing that to you. I remember how you always knew about stuff before anyone else and I thought you were the coolest.
How you always knew when something was artificial. How I still think of you when I smell someone smoking Gudang Garam or Marlboro. How you had no clue about your ownself and still managed to take care of me when you had to. I am trying so hard to deal with you gone, and it's so hard. It's not fun anymore to tell mum that she's only my mum. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. If I could change everything I would. I swear. I want you to be okay. Please please be okay. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I hate you and that I don't need you but if you really don't need me I'm just going to stay out of your way. Remember how I said at the beginning of this page that I secretly hope you read it? Please don't read this. I know you'll hate it. It's not emotional blackmail I just couldn't hold it in. You can choose to ignore it if you do come across this. Happy Birthday. I miss you.
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