Escapism, the replacement.

   So! Its 5 am, good morning everyone! I figured am just not able to sleep, probably because of my addiction to a television series, that is GossipGirl. And I wish things in my life could have been a bit different. But who doesn't better stuff? I mean, if I were some person with tonnes of money, I'd still have my own set of problems and if I'd be living on the street, there would be some different troubles. But there would be times I would desperately want my life to be better than what I have in hand no matter who I am. So the best thing to do is to change things you cant accept and if you cant change just learn to live or adjust with them.
The latest stuff happening to me these days would be that I am absolutely addicted to GG and therefore having a dilemma so as to who do I really have a crush on, is it Chace Crawford or Ed Westwick. :P

Chace being the one with the serious character is a real charmer. But Ed does a fantastic job being wicked! Another movie that I saw, with Ed Westwick as the lead was Chalet Girl. Funny how both the names have 'girl' in it... May be girls are dramatic enough to be the subject of the media most of the time. Okay, so the thing is Ed is a total sweetheart in the movie and otherwise in GG he is such a villain so well, that just makes me feel so much more of a fascination towards him :D
Also I found this really awesome song that was one of the soundtracks of Chalet Girl and it made me feel all energetic by Lost Prophets, so here it is-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUVRBovHnG0
   I realised that may be being into so much of movies or TV shows just makes me feel happier. May be I've found something far better to take support of than masochism, which is - Escapism. I guess its better to smile and think about other insignificant stuff in life than to, just beating yourself up in everything that you do. Although support is the worst thing you can get comfortable with because the best thing I've learnt in life up until now, is that you might keep wanting to have someone by your side, but you're most likely to be wanting to be alone very soon. Else that someone would themselves choose someone/something over you.

Wishes.

I wish I come across a genie that said, "your wish is my command."

Things I thought I would never ever even want, are on my firsts in my wish list. Like when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a bride, have a fairytale wedding. Have a loving husband. Have a sweet family with two lovely kids. Isn't what every girl has ever dreamt of? Well, off late, everything and absolutely everything has changed in my life. When I had such innocent dreams, I used be someone who could afford a lot of luxuries of life... Now necessities are difficult to have.
    There used to be a 'man' who promised me a lot in life. And probably it wasn't really him but those promises was what I fell for. I longed so much to have those things that when the thought of being happy was in my head, and when it turned out to be a completely opposite thing, I just felt that my heart was being ripped apart. Now, no, I dont want to be sad again, so lets focus on what things have become now or what I want from life at this day.
Well to start off, I think I've become so numb that now.

• So I would say I just dont want to be married. Its seen everywhere around how people end up when they get married, which can be, angry, tired, bored, frustrated...etc?

• I want lots of money. Like tonnes of it. I want to swim inside like uncle scrooge :D

• I want two big wardrobes. One for my clothes. One for my books. And an entire wall of stuff like 'Charlieissocoollike' :D

• I want a good phone that has a never ending balance! I desperately want to start earning. Want a house of my own, and start living on my own.

• I want tonnes of music around me... I want to lose myself in music.

• I want lots of treks and travels around the world. With lots of fun... lots of new fun people. Happiness all around! :)

• I want my real friends around me. So both sides can have fun.

• Mainly, I WANT FREEDOM! Dont just want to keep waiting, want to fly... far far away...!

27th September 2011.

So, what's exactly on my mind today? Well, its my ex boyfriend's birthday today. It just doesnt feel like its been a year since we went out. That probably was one of the best days I've spent with him happily. I remember dressing up a day before like it was my own birthday since I thought we wouldn't be meeting on the birthday since he would be working. The next day I met him in the evening looking like well, ummm what he called me all the time- a kid. It was one of those few days where Arjun was really happy.
    My break-up I planned for over a month ago, but things were still bad. I mean, I remember thinking constantly about him, all the time, dreaming of him... Probably just going insane. He was a matured man. He wanted me to be, what I want my current boyfriend to be. I guess he wanted me to care more. I am still probably a kid. And I am not really ashamed of it, just a bit restless.
    Sol, is the kind of guy who is extremely giving when he is in the mood. Everyone's the same. First going out of the way to help, now just wanting me to get out of the way. I just dont understand why do people get married, is it the same reason that we have to die after we live? I guess I should start living then.
    So what else is up? Well, I've started being jealous of every other thing that I dont have and others do. And its sort of a necessity to me, not a luxury. So as usual I have been crying. What I miss, is the happiness I used to have, when I knew I had nothing but the fact that I was free, right after 3rd of December last year. Guess I'll move on in a while.
   Been watching 'Two and a half men' a lot lately. And man it is pure fun! :D
I wish I was rich and had a house by the beach (This line cracks my mum all up everytime I say it :P). I also want to be a man with lots of women around and live a lavish lifestyle. I've started wanting to eat, like really, EAT. Also am craving for a McSpicy Chicken since like a week, but mum says I got to wait till Navratri is over. Why does she make me do this when I dont even believe in it? I just do it because I respect her, and if thats what makes her happy, I dont mind :)
  I miss Pranav. I normally dont understand what to talk to him when mom calls him up. Its just awkward but I still really miss him and I wish he was still living with us. I wish my family was all that it used to be, happy, content, sweet, united. Now its just, I want this I want that. Why do we have families when eventually people are going to leave each other? The only person I consider family is mom. I've written a lot of rubbish today. But thats on my mind. So be it rubbish, but I've got to get it out somehow :P

Everything Has To Change

Be it growing up, or walking ahead, things around wont stay the same. Every morning is different. Every person is. You too have to change, and if u don't, situations will do that for you. Its tough, not impossible. Not everyone every time is going to be there. Just sometimes wonder if more than half of the world is heartless, why did god have to equip me with one?
But sometime in life you need to be stable, why does he have to deny that pause or restart button to us?

The Girl.

A sixteen something girl. Black eyes. Dark Brown hair. Typical girl. Strives to be different. Wants to be pretty, may be she even is but doesn't think in that direction even once when in front of the mirror. She wants to have her prince charming too. But after a series of mad frogs she knows that its just a myth. So many of them were just rude, immature, irritating and even fake.
People talked about her, stuff that she probably couldnt ever be...! So she decides, enough of this life. She wants to be something. Something so strong that nothing can break in. But how?
Her family includes four people excluding her. Some real close friends. Some 'Fr-enemies'. No real enemies. Loves music. A guy in her life. Who she thinks is bothered. Further there are some mysteries that are going to be changing her life forever...

Dreary

Feel so bored. Like, I need some air, fresh air, sweet scent of the atmosphere. The one that makes me calm and forget everything that is upsetting. Really want to be loved. Really want to love myself. Want to grow selfish. Pamper me. Sleep off, eat it away... Just want to lie down, look at the sky, with earphones and a bunch of beautiful songs that make me want to stay still.
    Just realised, my sentences are so small. Keeping it simple. I wish everyday was simple. But may be I wouldn't have valued it if it were...
  I miss my mom. I miss my family. I miss those sick friends of mine. I miss those times where I was the 'innocent' one. Now, I am just the girl, with the past. The mistakes. No I dont think I would have done things with more of a difference if I was given a chance again. Because that was me back then! If today I am this way, it is because of what mistakes and wrong decisions I made those times.
    Why am I supposed to live? What makes it interesting? My mom's misery? My dad's attention seeking nature? My brother's behaviour, where he behaves like everything is happening because of him? Me, just waiting to grow up so that I can at the very least handle my own expenses. Live my dream. Love my life! May be I wont get it so easy, and if I would, I wouldn't value it.
    I love my guitar. I named it 'Melosa'. Although, I dont know if it was supposed to be a boy or a girl. But if it were a boy, I'd name it 'Rey'. Melosa means gentle or mellow, and Rey means king. Its such a pretty thing! I hope I am worth it. Love you mom for bothering about me. I wish you could be happier. U're such a beautiful human being. I love you.
    Dad, you dont own her. Love doesnt give u the license to own someone, neither does marriage. Possessiveness is OWNERSHIP. And u definitely dont own her. If that is how my future husband is going to treat me. I really dont want to get married. I want, I want some good things happening, to get me strengthened, so that I dont fall off when the war's on. I want to fight. I want to win. I want to love. I want to have feelings, love, understanding. I dont want to be the 'technical' one. Who does things mechanically, and just because people are doing it. I am just me. Just want to be me. Someone who actually cares about things she cares about. If I want to learn something, I do it from its roots, otherwise the branches get too complicated. I want to keep it simple. I want to laugh when I am happy, and cry when sad. Not smile when I am desperately wanting to breakdown and trying to hide my tears.
    I want my mom happy. I want dad to be normal. I want my brother happy. I want him happy. I want me to be me and show what I feel.

People will be people.

When you feel even for once, that this person is gonna be different, just chuck that thought out of your head, because he too is going to feel that you're nothing but a worthless human being. But may be because thats what you are. May be because thats what u treat yourself like. Thats how you portray yourself in front of others. And well, if you wouldnt respect yourself, why even in their dreams would they get this idea to treat u this way? But May be thats what you've always wanted. People are going to be people, irritating, funny people. People who pretend. Just like you would pretend.
If you want to be happy, you'll have to pretend. Just like you started pretending that you're upset, and you started being upset... And so got used to it that you forgot how was it to smile. So now, pretend... pretend till you feel it is real. Pretend till you forget your anger, the hate, the frustration, the disgust. Just let those out. Spit them out. Be what you want. Nothing can change situations but you. You thinking that you want to. Why are you behaving this way? Why are you behaving like, yeah right I know, but its not real? Think about it, think about what the great man said,-
"If your happiness depends upon what someone else does, then I guess you do have a problem."
So be yourself. Do what you love. Feel what you want to. And know that life is yours, till you want it to be.