27th September 2011.

So, what's exactly on my mind today? Well, its my ex boyfriend's birthday today. It just doesnt feel like its been a year since we went out. That probably was one of the best days I've spent with him happily. I remember dressing up a day before like it was my own birthday since I thought we wouldn't be meeting on the birthday since he would be working. The next day I met him in the evening looking like well, ummm what he called me all the time- a kid. It was one of those few days where Arjun was really happy.
    My break-up I planned for over a month ago, but things were still bad. I mean, I remember thinking constantly about him, all the time, dreaming of him... Probably just going insane. He was a matured man. He wanted me to be, what I want my current boyfriend to be. I guess he wanted me to care more. I am still probably a kid. And I am not really ashamed of it, just a bit restless.
    Sol, is the kind of guy who is extremely giving when he is in the mood. Everyone's the same. First going out of the way to help, now just wanting me to get out of the way. I just dont understand why do people get married, is it the same reason that we have to die after we live? I guess I should start living then.
    So what else is up? Well, I've started being jealous of every other thing that I dont have and others do. And its sort of a necessity to me, not a luxury. So as usual I have been crying. What I miss, is the happiness I used to have, when I knew I had nothing but the fact that I was free, right after 3rd of December last year. Guess I'll move on in a while.
   Been watching 'Two and a half men' a lot lately. And man it is pure fun! :D
I wish I was rich and had a house by the beach (This line cracks my mum all up everytime I say it :P). I also want to be a man with lots of women around and live a lavish lifestyle. I've started wanting to eat, like really, EAT. Also am craving for a McSpicy Chicken since like a week, but mum says I got to wait till Navratri is over. Why does she make me do this when I dont even believe in it? I just do it because I respect her, and if thats what makes her happy, I dont mind :)
  I miss Pranav. I normally dont understand what to talk to him when mom calls him up. Its just awkward but I still really miss him and I wish he was still living with us. I wish my family was all that it used to be, happy, content, sweet, united. Now its just, I want this I want that. Why do we have families when eventually people are going to leave each other? The only person I consider family is mom. I've written a lot of rubbish today. But thats on my mind. So be it rubbish, but I've got to get it out somehow :P

Everything Has To Change

Be it growing up, or walking ahead, things around wont stay the same. Every morning is different. Every person is. You too have to change, and if u don't, situations will do that for you. Its tough, not impossible. Not everyone every time is going to be there. Just sometimes wonder if more than half of the world is heartless, why did god have to equip me with one?
But sometime in life you need to be stable, why does he have to deny that pause or restart button to us?

The Girl.

A sixteen something girl. Black eyes. Dark Brown hair. Typical girl. Strives to be different. Wants to be pretty, may be she even is but doesn't think in that direction even once when in front of the mirror. She wants to have her prince charming too. But after a series of mad frogs she knows that its just a myth. So many of them were just rude, immature, irritating and even fake.
People talked about her, stuff that she probably couldnt ever be...! So she decides, enough of this life. She wants to be something. Something so strong that nothing can break in. But how?
Her family includes four people excluding her. Some real close friends. Some 'Fr-enemies'. No real enemies. Loves music. A guy in her life. Who she thinks is bothered. Further there are some mysteries that are going to be changing her life forever...

Dreary

Feel so bored. Like, I need some air, fresh air, sweet scent of the atmosphere. The one that makes me calm and forget everything that is upsetting. Really want to be loved. Really want to love myself. Want to grow selfish. Pamper me. Sleep off, eat it away... Just want to lie down, look at the sky, with earphones and a bunch of beautiful songs that make me want to stay still.
    Just realised, my sentences are so small. Keeping it simple. I wish everyday was simple. But may be I wouldn't have valued it if it were...
  I miss my mom. I miss my family. I miss those sick friends of mine. I miss those times where I was the 'innocent' one. Now, I am just the girl, with the past. The mistakes. No I dont think I would have done things with more of a difference if I was given a chance again. Because that was me back then! If today I am this way, it is because of what mistakes and wrong decisions I made those times.
    Why am I supposed to live? What makes it interesting? My mom's misery? My dad's attention seeking nature? My brother's behaviour, where he behaves like everything is happening because of him? Me, just waiting to grow up so that I can at the very least handle my own expenses. Live my dream. Love my life! May be I wont get it so easy, and if I would, I wouldn't value it.
    I love my guitar. I named it 'Melosa'. Although, I dont know if it was supposed to be a boy or a girl. But if it were a boy, I'd name it 'Rey'. Melosa means gentle or mellow, and Rey means king. Its such a pretty thing! I hope I am worth it. Love you mom for bothering about me. I wish you could be happier. U're such a beautiful human being. I love you.
    Dad, you dont own her. Love doesnt give u the license to own someone, neither does marriage. Possessiveness is OWNERSHIP. And u definitely dont own her. If that is how my future husband is going to treat me. I really dont want to get married. I want, I want some good things happening, to get me strengthened, so that I dont fall off when the war's on. I want to fight. I want to win. I want to love. I want to have feelings, love, understanding. I dont want to be the 'technical' one. Who does things mechanically, and just because people are doing it. I am just me. Just want to be me. Someone who actually cares about things she cares about. If I want to learn something, I do it from its roots, otherwise the branches get too complicated. I want to keep it simple. I want to laugh when I am happy, and cry when sad. Not smile when I am desperately wanting to breakdown and trying to hide my tears.
    I want my mom happy. I want dad to be normal. I want my brother happy. I want him happy. I want me to be me and show what I feel.

People will be people.

When you feel even for once, that this person is gonna be different, just chuck that thought out of your head, because he too is going to feel that you're nothing but a worthless human being. But may be because thats what you are. May be because thats what u treat yourself like. Thats how you portray yourself in front of others. And well, if you wouldnt respect yourself, why even in their dreams would they get this idea to treat u this way? But May be thats what you've always wanted. People are going to be people, irritating, funny people. People who pretend. Just like you would pretend.
If you want to be happy, you'll have to pretend. Just like you started pretending that you're upset, and you started being upset... And so got used to it that you forgot how was it to smile. So now, pretend... pretend till you feel it is real. Pretend till you forget your anger, the hate, the frustration, the disgust. Just let those out. Spit them out. Be what you want. Nothing can change situations but you. You thinking that you want to. Why are you behaving this way? Why are you behaving like, yeah right I know, but its not real? Think about it, think about what the great man said,-
"If your happiness depends upon what someone else does, then I guess you do have a problem."
So be yourself. Do what you love. Feel what you want to. And know that life is yours, till you want it to be.

Things, change all the time.

The way people behave, after sometime, is so complicating. They get bored of you... Start hating you, May be because like I said they start realising that I am a human too. The way he has been behaving, makes me feel like... What have I become? A creature? May be. May be he sees that now. Sometime ago for me he was someone I would not even consider being with, then I did, though I wasnt so involved, but then once I just dont know what happened... I fell for him. So hard, that when I did he understood that I am nothing special and that I dont even need to be made feel special.
Feels like I am compromising, my happiness, he cant even see it. may be he does and he doesnt want to. The sad part is I want him to be happy. Which makes me want to compromise my happiness. That day, he asks "You're doing this because you want to right? Not because I want you to?" And I denied. I wish I had siad yes that day. I wish I could explain what really was on my mind. He does love me. But may be what we have between us is not love. If it were love, both of us would be happy making sacrifices. He is not happy sacrificing his time, and I am not happy sacrificing my happiness. I dont mind sacrificing it, if he were happy. But in spite of doing so, he still wouldnt be happy... KILLS me inside. I want to break free. Scream, Shout, Cry, Laugh. Be what I want to be. Not what someone needs me to be. Today, if I am real busy, and someone asks for help from me, I would definitely sacrifice my stuff and help that person, no matter how much of trouble. But I wouldnt do the same, if that person wouldnt even be happy after me doing so. Wish he would be that same old guy, who would laugh and make me laugh, and behave like life is great. Sadly, things have changed.
I miss you mom. May be not everyday. But I really do. I wish you were here, to show me love, I wish you were here to make me feel that you cared. I wish you were here to say its okay. I need you to tell me its high time for me to start studying. I need you to hug me and say that you love me. I love you ma. I am so tired. I need an out. I want to go off somewhere, may be to a place where I can study. I dont know what I am supposed to do. Dad behaves like, he never cared about me. He gossips like a lady. Why on earth would someone want to know what you are going through? Why dont you mean what you say? Why do you always think everything is negative? Why do you pretend to work hard? Why do you push thing upon others? Why cant you behave like you, and not what you've turned into from all these years, by which I mean, a hypocrite.
I need a place to live alone. Start things all over again. Be me. Love me. Be happy. I dont mind going to Panchgani, Lonavala, Mahabaleshwar, USA, Southpole, Northpole... Wherever!
I want to be me. And I will be happy when I am me. I want to listen to lots of music, may be even compose some. I want to dance, and may be sing. I want to click pictures. I want to watch movies. I want to read stuff. Lots and lots of it. I want to be with mom. I dont want the vicious circle again. Am just plain tired of being what I have to be. I want to help people as well. I've seen that it makes me happier when people are happier. I am scared of exams. Also I am thrilled. I dont know why? This should be different. Will be seventeen during my boards... How thrilling! (sarcastic).

EVANESCENCE - My immortal.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
 Why cant you be with me forever? I'd miss you. I'd miss the silly fights. I'll miss the confusion, I'll miss the tears, I'll miss the once in a blue moon smiles. I'll miss the tension. I'll miss you.
May be you dont want us together. Why are you giving up on me? I know I've been bad, I am sorry, I'll be a good girl. But I know, you dont want to be there. Why held on to me? Why gave me so much that now I cant let go? And now, I wish you would either hold on or let go. So I know if I am lucky, or may be dead.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I am sorry...! I am really so sorry. Why did u lead me on, when you knew that we werent meant to be? Why made me so happy at times that I would forget what being unhappy was, and why made me so worried that I would forget what being happy was? Made me dance on the streets, Those beautiful times when you were all mine. When I knew nothing could go wrong if you're besides me. When just looking at your smile made me so happy, that I can still sacrifice anything and everything for it. 
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You'll always have all of me. I know I am not even needed in your life. May be I was always wrong. I've loved you with all my heart... And yet you felt like you couldnt trust me. Sorry for ruining it. For being the idiot. I am sorry I could never wipe your tears away, I did try all that I could.
You used to captivate me By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I loved that beautiful smile of yours, and the laughter. I loved that since the first time I heard you. You would be so happy I would get attracted to you so easily. And you would be so full of things that would make me happy. And suddenly, may be because of me, you're all dull, angry, upset. May be I shouldn't have answered your call that night. So that you'd be happy forever.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I just dont know, just cant figure out why, you hate me so much, that you're giving up on me. Sometimes when things would go wrong, I would just want to end the fight, and you'd somehow wouldn't conclude it. And I felt like this terrible ache in my heart wishing that I could make you happier. May be you'd feel that making you happy is not what I always thought of.... and that I would want to be happy. Yes, I do. But I would only be happy if you'd be. Which is complex, and I wished you would understand. 
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
I just wish that you could be the guy that I met the first day. The first day I met you, you looked at me as if you really wanted me. You would talk to me so beautifully. As if you didnt want me to think anything else. And you would say such cute things. Talk to me like you wanted me forever... Then, you were the guy who wouldnt want to talk on phone. Wouldnt want to express himself. Wouldnt want to say that he loved me. Wouldnt want me to be attached. Wouldnt be that same guy who would send me messages three pages long, and the guy who would now send messages with hardly five words. I dont know if you've felt lonely. But I do.
I get the feeling that you've been hating me. Doing small trivial things. Even for being there. I am sorry. I love you.