Welcome To The Machine

You are not entitled to anything. Not the sunshine, not the rain, not the pain, not the pleasure, nothing. We're all dying. There is no point in saying you're more successful than me or that I'm more successful than you. You've been fooled all your life to believe that the money you earn is the measure of your happiness. It isn't. The measure of your happiness is whether you're happy doing what you're doing now. And that doesn't mean that you're supposed to be happy, it just means that when life is thrust upon you, you have to make a choice and go forward, or stay still. Stillness, is death. None of these decisions are wrong. Nothing in the entire universe is wrong.
   You are not entitled to a family. You are not entitled to a friend. You are not entitled to a life. You are not entitled to a lover. You are not entitled to a teacher. You are not entitled to anything. The sooner you realize this, the better.
     Life is not unfair. You choose to think life is supposed to be fair; It's not. You weren't asked whether you want to be born. It is illegal to kill yourself (you can still do it though). You are supposed to make means for your living in a pre-decided society, who decide what it is you should study, who you should marry, how many children you should have, what you will wear at your wedding, what profession you should choose, what you will do until you die and even then not let you kill yourself, because "you have so much to live for". Yes, welcome my son, welcome to the machine. Free will is non existent. There is no place for consent. You have to do this because, the world, that doesn't even know or care about your existence wants you to do it. You can not marry the same sex, because "how will I explain it to my children?". You can not wear those clothes because "I'd have to have uncomfortable erections and control myself, which I cant because I'm a savage human being who chooses to consider you as a non-human who was born to satisfy me". You can not go and hide away because "that is cowardice. You will never learn the real ways of life which is having to stay with the same people all your life and pretend to be happy as they pretty much cut away parts of you and throw them away, because they're entitled to it"
      Maybe now you're thinking I'm awfully negative. You know what being positive gives you? Nothing. You die anyway. You die regardless of what you think. You die regardless of whether you had friends, enemies, parents, partners, children, anything.
     You know what is wrong with political parties, they make you believe you are entitled to things and tell you they will give you those. In reality however, they can't because it's impossible. All political ideologies promise to return something to you. Of course it's impossible to have those things. Capitalism favors the rich. Communism favors the sheep. And religion? Don't even get me started. I'm tired of all these things. I'm tired of giving away things to society because society thinks it is entitled to it. No it isn't. Everything is an accident. Stop making a big deal out of it and turning those into traditions. You can never have a safety net, nothing is permanent. Stop trying to make things permanent. You aren't permanent.

Dear Bhai,
     I never called you that, but that's not what I want to talk about. I dont want to name you and ruin it for you, so it's just bhai here. I dont think you read this, and I hope you don't, but I secretly hope you do. I always knew you were different, intelligent, fun and awesome but I didn't realize that might be something that made you feel alone. I ALWAYS wanted to be you. Like I knew I was doing something right if I was sounding like you or behaving like you. Not everyone has cool brothers. Most people I know have brothers that would either not be bothered about their sisters or would be extremely protective/possessive of them. I'm not saying you weren't, I'm not even going to go there but you were the guy I admired. Idolized. When they argued about you, I always took your side, I always told them if you were doing something you had probably thought about it well.
   I know you hate all the corny things anyone says, I know you hate hugs and kisses but you did show care. I don't know about others, but you cared about me. I cant say the same now. Not just with material things but emotionally, which wasn't really you, but you were still there.
   I remember when I was a kid and you were still a teenager and you kept running away from the family, they said you are at the age where it was normal for you to act that way... But I think that never went away. You hated being around. Nobody understood you, and you never gave them a chance. You've taught me so many things, starting from spellings and grammar to random advice.
  I remember playing coconut coconut with you on the terrace of the flat in Juhu. I remember watching Godzilla with you and your friend which was one of my first movies I think or at least one of the first I remember watching. I remember you marking my finger with ink when I cried because mom and dad were out to vote and I just wouldn't shut up so you made me think I'd voted too. I remember you not letting me hold your hand and it made me so terribly sad. I remember hitting you and hurting you physically and you wouldn't do much because you were the 'older guy' and you were supposed to understand and how after sometime you just stopped responding to me and I stopping hitting and we never fought again. I remember you listening to all the amazing music and passing it on to me, and it still lives with me. I remember all the wonderful things you cooked and how by the time you left, you hardly found any joy in cooking. I remember clicking pictures with you, and how your awful forced smiles made me never want to click pictures with you and maybe that's why I don't have any pictures of us. I remember telling you that something about your girlfriend was weird because every time she'd come over I'd spend the day crying and you asked me what I would do if you got married to her, and I said I'd just have to deal with it because you chose her. I remember not being invited to your wedding, I hardly expected it but they certainly did. I remember how I would get so annoyed by how you blabbered senseless things while working or playing games and I would sometimes record them and play them back to you to make you realize how ridiculous you sounded. I remember when a certain relative made you cry just because you got bad marks in school and even though I was only five and he is pappa's age I wanted to hit him with a bat for doing that to you. I remember how you always knew about stuff before anyone else and I thought you were the coolest.
   How you always knew when something was artificial. How I still think of you when I smell someone smoking Gudang Garam or Marlboro. How you had no clue about your ownself and still managed to take care of me when you had to. I am trying so hard to deal with you gone, and it's so hard. It's not fun anymore to tell mum that she's only my mum. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. If I could change everything I would. I swear. I want you to be okay. Please please be okay. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I hate you and that I don't need you but if you really don't need me I'm just going to stay out of your way. Remember how I said at the beginning of this page that I secretly hope you read it? Please don't read this. I know you'll hate it. It's not emotional blackmail I just couldn't hold it in. You can choose to ignore it if you do come across this. Happy Birthday. I miss you.

Hey, Hey, My, My... Rock 'n' Roll Can Never Die

  When I was a kid, I only listened to the stuff on MTV or VH1 and my brother had a huge collection of music. All the amazing old stuff. He would also buy music online, or sometimes when people weren't selling there music commercially yet he would ask them if he could buy their stuff. Which is real nice thing to do if you ask me. Although he could do these things back then because he was earning. I, on the other hand am not yet, so I have to resort to sharing or downloading. So the kind of music I listened to then was mostly just a lot of Pop or Rap, or Hip Hop. Now I have nothing against this kind of music, but sometimes you don't know what you're missing out on when you haven't tasted the best. As a kid I didn't know why people were so crazy about a bunch of old music. May be because they're growing old I thought. This music in reality way older then them!
     After my listen-to-everything-in-trend phase I jumped to hard rock, or metal. That was a huge leap. Why did I do that? I wanted to prove to someone really annoying that I listen to all sorts of music, when in reality I wasn't even close to it. Maybe I will never be. I listened to aggressive stuff because it helped me cope with things. Sometimes you need to increase the volumes outside to drown out the voices inside. After that suddenly, and I don't know why or how that happened but I shifted to really soft mellow acoustic indie stuff.
   I met a guy in grey, from this random place that I never expected to meet him from. He told me about how much he liked Pink Floyd. Of course I'd heard of them but never actually heard them. Maybe once I'd heard Comfortably numb because my brother said it was a good song, but I didn't listen to it with my heart. The first song he shared with me was Smile-David Gilmour. After that night I couldn't stop listening to it! It felt like I was floating on the clouds. Like all my worries were going to melt away. Then the next song he suggested was Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. That was the time I asked myself how did I not listen to them until now? What could have been the reason for me to not listen to such amazing pieces?
   Then the man in grey t-shirt told me that he liked the early Floyd more, the time when Syd Barrett was in the band. Since my first song was by David Gilmour I couldn't accept Syd much because Gilmour himself is a great guitar player. But every time I would look at a picture of Syd, it would remind me of the man in grey. Which was absurd, but it still happens. So this one day, I saw a documentary on Syd. Man, did I cry like a baby! Then I decided to download Syd's full discography. Maybe its not for everyone, I suggested it to some people but they don't like it as much. Although I think he was a lyrical genius.
    After this something really awesome happened, I discovered NARNIA on Tumblr. I mean that Tumblr is Narnia for people who are part of a fandom. For me, Classic Rock had already chosen me. I discovered my love for Syd, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Doors, The Who, The Velvet Underground, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Elvis Presley, King Crimson, Jimmy Hendrix and just too many more.

I Should Read This Every Morning

Everything is one. It's there one moment disappears the other. Nothing lasts forever. This is it. Everything is meaningless. Make this count. Use it as a game. Don't get serious, don't expect stuff. Let it flow. You can't quit, but choose another path. Breathe. Bathe in the beauty. Bask in the sunlight. Feel the sand between your toes. Let it rain. Feel the pain. It won't come again. Pleasure yourself by all possible means. Eat all you want. Cry your eyes out. Don't get attached to this. It's not going to stay. Keep jumping or you'll fall on your face.
You'll want to be like they say you should, but how are they doing? Are they living their dream? If they are, even that's a phase, there's never one dream when you are too close to one you'll want another. Keep jumping. You'll want to attach because that's how you're programmed. But it won't last either. You were born alone you will die alone. You don't need anyone's approval to live life. They're mortals too. They are not superior to you, neither are you superior to them. Things that begin will end. It's okay to feel bad about it. But the reason you feel bad about it is because you expected it to last forever, which was your fault. People are vicious they like to coat themselves up with a mask because that's what you're supposed to be, but sadly supposed to bes and ares are poles apart. Your heat beats differently every minute. You're growing older every minute. Get over it. Things will always happen. They're happening right now. Pay attention.

Inseperable

                                                                        PART II
        Shweta was wearing her favorite blue frock and sitting quietly on the chair next to her mother. Bored she kept telling her she wants to go home. Her mother replies, "Just a little while dear, why don't you go play with your cousins?"
"But I don't want to, they keep telling me to wait on the side and that I'm not old enough to play with them"
She was only six and all her cousins were a decade older who preferred playing their own games that would not include a kid.
"Its going to end soon I promise, its the last part of the wedding. Go get a plate of ice cream from the counter" She comes back with vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce poured all over it. Shweta decides to wait until it melts a little because it tastes better.
       The bride is now leaving the hall and a group of people are around her, some crying, some consoling each other.
"Ma, why are didi and maasi crying?"
"Didi is going to her new home"
"Whats wrong with her old home?"
"She is going to live with Shreyash jiju"
"Will maasi go to the new home?"
"No, maasi will live her in her old home"
"Why is she going if she doesn't want to go?"
"She is going because she loves Shreyash jiju and wants to start a family with him"
"So why is she crying?"
"Because she will miss her ma"
Shweta is quiet for a while. She decides she doesn't want to eat the ice cream anymore and puts aside the plate on the chair next to hers.
"So will I have to go like Divya didi?"
"Well, if you get married you would"
"But I dont want to go! I want to stay with you!"
"We'll see about that when you're Divya didi's age"
"Will you let me go? You don't even let me go to Anuja's house"
"That's because she lives far and you're still a little small to travel all alone"
The mother then stands up to meet the bride the last time. When she comes back to her chair, she is wiping tears off her eyes.
"Ma, did you cry when you got married?"
"I did not, your pappa had a bet with your mamas that I wont cry. So I didn't" She smiled.
"So you don't miss your ma?" She went silent. Stood up and hugged her. "Until I got married, I couldn't imagine life without her. Wouldn't you miss your ma?"
"I'm not going anywhere ma. I promise. I love you soooooooo much" She said with her arms open wide.
 Shweta's mother kissed her on the cheek as she fell asleep on her shoulder.

The Big Day.

                                                                  PART I

She stood there, in front of the mirror in her wedding dress. Big day she thought. Do I really want this? she felt sick and anxious. She wasn't the only one in the room. Next to her was her mother and cousins and sister in laws mocking each other and joking about who is getting married next. In all of that chaos, when her mother says, that she had only spent 21 years of her life in her mother's house but 38 years with her husband, the panic kicked in. There was so much confusion all of a sudden. In all the married couples, all the relationships she had seen and had been into she never really saw the endurance of what people called love. It was there but then it was more like 'I know you are always going to be by my side, so why should I care?' She felt like she was choking, and as if the heater was at full blast in the middle of December. She excused herself to the rest room, and even though it was difficult to wash her face because it would ruin everything done on her face from the last 30 minutes by the make up guy, she wanted to cool down.
   Finally picking up the phone she calls her fiancé, "Hello?"
"Hey baby, what happened, I thought if we weren't supposed to see each other, we weren't even supposed to talk. Everything okay?"
"I don't know if I can do this"
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"No I am not, there is something inside me that says this is the end. The end of all that I've felt for you all these years. I really feel so scared, I dont want this to be over, its like I am so sure this is not going to be the same after some years. And after a decade or so we might even hate those things about each other because of which we fell in love"
"Okay, wait. Just do me one favor, will you?"
"Yes?"
"Meet me on the second floor, room number 216"

She hung up the phone. Got out of the washroom, and went straight to her best friend. "Shruti!", "There you are, what were you doing in there for so long? You have to understand we have only an hour to get all this done Shweta, we wont get it done if you keep wasting time!" 
"No Shruti wait! I am not feeling very well, I need some fresh air. I'll be back in about fifteen minutes, please dont be mad?"
"Fifteen minutes?! Are you crazy? We'll have to reschedule everything!"
"Please?" She said with a voice that made Shruti realize something wasn't right. "What happened? Are you alright?" "Second thoughts about this whole thing.." "What whole thing? This decoration? I told you to look through properly before deciding, you were so con..." "No, not the decoration! This thing, this marriage"
"Okay, do one thing, go get some fresh air, everybody gets cold feet before they do something big, just breathe a little"
"See you in a bit"
"Please don't be too long"
She reached the second floor, and knocked on the door of room 216. He opened the door and smiled at her. She went in, and hugged him. "You okay?"
"Not exactly"
"What happened?"
"I am scared"
"What scares you?"
"Honestly I don't know! Maybe that this is only chance I have, and I really don't to mess up. Or may be I could be doing so many other things than taking up this huge responsibility. There was even a time in my life when I swore never to get married, was I right then? Should I have traveled more? Should I be doing more things that I cant ever do again?"
"Listen sweetheart, we're only getting married, not dying!"
"Then why do I feel like I am choking?
"Do you want to do this some other time?" "Do what?"
"The wedding?"

Tip Of The Iceberg.

So many times I describe myself as something and then I realize No! Thats not me! That is someone else. I never truly understood who or what I really am. I believe in Zodiac a lot, maybe because of too many co-incidences. Born on 9th of March, I am a Pisces. But the moon sign says am also a Capricorn. Pisces is fragile and sensitive. Capricorn is ambitious and hates failing. I think its a deadly combination.
   How I like mellow music and Metal or Hard rock. They're opposite, but I love them.
Sometimes its like I am constantly on a war with my own self. The calm one, or the one who shouts and doesn't stop? The one who asks, or the one who hold's it in? A very common fight that the voices in my head have is, "No, this is the right thing. I should do this. This wont harm anyone. Maybe would harm me. But at least that is not a mistake then" when the other voice says, "What are you doing? Don't do this! You know how much you've waited for something nice to happen. Don't let this chance go."
   One part of me wants to be in the crowd, laugh and dance, but the other just doesn't know how to fit in, so it wants to be alone and not make mistakes. She wants to be that person, who travels the world, lives, does. Wants to do those things that she finds so much fun, but is so afraid and doesn't know how to handle things. So she'd rather prefer being somewhere under the blanket and escape all of it. And not only escape the bad parts, but also the ones she wants to experience.
   When just one thing makes her feel like another person altogether who is worth nothing, that phase lasts longer than the phase where she feels like she can conquer the world. I wouldn't categorize those voices are good and bad. They're both me. But it is definitely what I choose to give out.
That one feeling, of seeing the smile fade away from anyone's face, frightens me.