The Big Day.

                                                                  PART I

She stood there, in front of the mirror in her wedding dress. Big day she thought. Do I really want this? she felt sick and anxious. She wasn't the only one in the room. Next to her was her mother and cousins and sister in laws mocking each other and joking about who is getting married next. In all of that chaos, when her mother says, that she had only spent 21 years of her life in her mother's house but 38 years with her husband, the panic kicked in. There was so much confusion all of a sudden. In all the married couples, all the relationships she had seen and had been into she never really saw the endurance of what people called love. It was there but then it was more like 'I know you are always going to be by my side, so why should I care?' She felt like she was choking, and as if the heater was at full blast in the middle of December. She excused herself to the rest room, and even though it was difficult to wash her face because it would ruin everything done on her face from the last 30 minutes by the make up guy, she wanted to cool down.
   Finally picking up the phone she calls her fiancé, "Hello?"
"Hey baby, what happened, I thought if we weren't supposed to see each other, we weren't even supposed to talk. Everything okay?"
"I don't know if I can do this"
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"No I am not, there is something inside me that says this is the end. The end of all that I've felt for you all these years. I really feel so scared, I dont want this to be over, its like I am so sure this is not going to be the same after some years. And after a decade or so we might even hate those things about each other because of which we fell in love"
"Okay, wait. Just do me one favor, will you?"
"Yes?"
"Meet me on the second floor, room number 216"

She hung up the phone. Got out of the washroom, and went straight to her best friend. "Shruti!", "There you are, what were you doing in there for so long? You have to understand we have only an hour to get all this done Shweta, we wont get it done if you keep wasting time!" 
"No Shruti wait! I am not feeling very well, I need some fresh air. I'll be back in about fifteen minutes, please dont be mad?"
"Fifteen minutes?! Are you crazy? We'll have to reschedule everything!"
"Please?" She said with a voice that made Shruti realize something wasn't right. "What happened? Are you alright?" "Second thoughts about this whole thing.." "What whole thing? This decoration? I told you to look through properly before deciding, you were so con..." "No, not the decoration! This thing, this marriage"
"Okay, do one thing, go get some fresh air, everybody gets cold feet before they do something big, just breathe a little"
"See you in a bit"
"Please don't be too long"
She reached the second floor, and knocked on the door of room 216. He opened the door and smiled at her. She went in, and hugged him. "You okay?"
"Not exactly"
"What happened?"
"I am scared"
"What scares you?"
"Honestly I don't know! Maybe that this is only chance I have, and I really don't to mess up. Or may be I could be doing so many other things than taking up this huge responsibility. There was even a time in my life when I swore never to get married, was I right then? Should I have traveled more? Should I be doing more things that I cant ever do again?"
"Listen sweetheart, we're only getting married, not dying!"
"Then why do I feel like I am choking?
"Do you want to do this some other time?" "Do what?"
"The wedding?"

Tip Of The Iceberg.

So many times I describe myself as something and then I realize No! Thats not me! That is someone else. I never truly understood who or what I really am. I believe in Zodiac a lot, maybe because of too many co-incidences. Born on 9th of March, I am a Pisces. But the moon sign says am also a Capricorn. Pisces is fragile and sensitive. Capricorn is ambitious and hates failing. I think its a deadly combination.
   How I like mellow music and Metal or Hard rock. They're opposite, but I love them.
Sometimes its like I am constantly on a war with my own self. The calm one, or the one who shouts and doesn't stop? The one who asks, or the one who hold's it in? A very common fight that the voices in my head have is, "No, this is the right thing. I should do this. This wont harm anyone. Maybe would harm me. But at least that is not a mistake then" when the other voice says, "What are you doing? Don't do this! You know how much you've waited for something nice to happen. Don't let this chance go."
   One part of me wants to be in the crowd, laugh and dance, but the other just doesn't know how to fit in, so it wants to be alone and not make mistakes. She wants to be that person, who travels the world, lives, does. Wants to do those things that she finds so much fun, but is so afraid and doesn't know how to handle things. So she'd rather prefer being somewhere under the blanket and escape all of it. And not only escape the bad parts, but also the ones she wants to experience.
   When just one thing makes her feel like another person altogether who is worth nothing, that phase lasts longer than the phase where she feels like she can conquer the world. I wouldn't categorize those voices are good and bad. They're both me. But it is definitely what I choose to give out.
That one feeling, of seeing the smile fade away from anyone's face, frightens me.

Courage.

Every single thing done in consciousness needs courage. Sometimes ignorance helps. I blame my childhood for being such a cowherd. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Refused to go to loud places with people. To top it all, I had low blood pressure as a child. Whenever I would panic I would faint. My parents would go to every teacher in my school to tell them what precautionary measures to take if I was going to fall unconscious or if I already have. So teachers probably just threw me into a category of weak, or disabled. Out of pity they would restrict me from playing games normal kids did. Seemed fun then, now it just feels like I was taught to be aloof.
  It feels more like a way of life now, like its ALWAYS awkward talking to someone. Its always difficult to answer something. Afraid of making a mess. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of making a fool of myself. When I try so hard teaching myself that they don’t matter. No one does. But it just never leaves my head. Instead of me wanting someone else to help me through it, I wish someday I can just be, be me. Be happy being me. Not kill myself, my desires, only because I am worried about who is going to be thinking what about me. I don’t get it. What makes it so hard? Why have I become something I don’t want to be?