Every single thing done in consciousness
needs courage. Sometimes ignorance helps. I blame my childhood for being
such a cowherd. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Refused to go to loud places
with people. To top it all, I had low blood pressure as a child.
Whenever I would panic I would faint. My parents would go to every
teacher in my school to tell them what precautionary measures to take if
I was going to fall unconscious or if I already have. So teachers
probably just threw me into a category of weak, or disabled. Out of pity
they would restrict me from playing games normal kids did. Seemed fun
then, now it just feels like I was taught to be aloof.
It feels more like a way of life now, like its ALWAYS awkward talking to someone. Its always difficult to answer something. Afraid of making a mess. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of making a fool of myself. When I try so hard teaching myself that they don’t matter. No one does. But it just never leaves my head. Instead of me wanting someone else to help me through it, I wish someday I can just be, be me. Be happy being me. Not kill myself, my desires, only because I am worried about who is going to be thinking what about me. I don’t get it. What makes it so hard? Why have I become something I don’t want to be?
It feels more like a way of life now, like its ALWAYS awkward talking to someone. Its always difficult to answer something. Afraid of making a mess. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of making a fool of myself. When I try so hard teaching myself that they don’t matter. No one does. But it just never leaves my head. Instead of me wanting someone else to help me through it, I wish someday I can just be, be me. Be happy being me. Not kill myself, my desires, only because I am worried about who is going to be thinking what about me. I don’t get it. What makes it so hard? Why have I become something I don’t want to be?
