How I Always Wished…

How I always wished I was a bird… Or someone who can just head off, and explore… And be something else. Or someone more interesting than I am. May be I am interesting, that part of me wont just come out. Looking up to the sky, makes me so happy… So overwhelmed. Certainly not a feeling of satisfaction, but then I cant decide which is better. Being extremely happy or being calm and content? I guess, its just what I want to feel, is what matters.
   So, there I saw so much of sky and right above me a tiny little bird flying through. And the desire floods though my heart. Hinduism says that a soul takes a lot of births to come to this birth as a Human being. Considered to be a very important birth. I mean, yes they’re given good things like more brain and a lot of other privileges, but I think the birds must be so happy, so much luckier!
    After having visited the forest, and having seen so many beautiful birds when I got back to my city, once walking down the road I saw at least ten birds in a cage. Something inside me really wanted to cry. How can they do this to such innocent creatures? They are all so free… How can they do this to freedom?

That Sacred Place Called Heart.

Always wondered how everyone said hearts are broken, and how things are thought by the mind and only felt by heart. Always thought it was just plain stupid to think that brain had nothing to do with it. Well scientifically it really really does. But, yes, I have felt otherwise strongly. Like when the first time I felt I was madly in love, and was dumped, I felt something, some actual burning sensation inside my chest, inside my heart that I just couldn't stop. Like there was something pinching me inside, like I would never feel normal again. But of course, in some time everyone realizes its better to move on and get on with your own lives. How I keep craving for something new, for someone new. How I can never really settle for one thing. May be I am not meant for that! May be I always want to keep searching, may be thats my hobby! I mean, how can I just have one thing if I can see so much right there in front of me? How can I not be everything that I want to be? Why shall I choose ONE, just one? Isn't it unjust? I am not good at just one activity. I mean, sure, I like singing, I like writing, I like photography, I like reading, I love music, I like traveling... But, how can these compete?! Why cant I do EVERYTHING, just everything? May be there isn't that much time... Or I guess I am way too hesitant, or lazy for being so extra ordinary. But, there is nothing extra ordinary in loving so many things!
   And probably, its not just with activities or things, its also with people. No one likes to choose. Why cant I love everyone, equally? Whats the point in binding someone, saying, "Hey, your mine, and you have to be with me, and love only and only me and only and only things that I love until you die." Don't you feel the cruelty in it already? Picture yourself as a bird. A very happy, free, kind, bird that loves going around and spreading love and being with people, and there comes a man, who woes you by giving back love... but well, that what you've wanted because thats how you thought the world works. So, after you're lured, he puts you in a cage, because he wants to preserve your beauty and he says that he will love you like that. But the reality is, that what he did love about you was that sense of freedom, or that happiness that you had when you could fly and love and be yourself and not be caged. Thats just murder, its cruelty. Sometimes, that man, also likes other birds that he wants to cage, but your not allowed to see anything else but the cage and the man.
So what is it that I want? I dont know. Do I want to be free? YES. Do I want to fly far? YES! Am I afraid? Yes. But the point is, I dont want to regret. The time I've spent on my free will, I don't want to look back and say I could have done so much, now I just have to live with this cage...

Apathetically Bored.

Something is going wrong. I don't know where. Or is it going right? I don't feel those emotions any more. I don't feel the love any more, that fire that I bore inside. That feeling of being sensitive. Is it wrong, is it right? I know it wont give me pain. But might not even have that intoxication any more. I don't feel as tired, like I always complain. May be am just plain bored. Even tired to explain. I want to live, I want to feel I don't want you ranting behind my back talking about me. I don't care what you think of me when you don't even know me, because somewhere you're just at loss.

 Dear sweet baby, our lives are different, we have to part our ways, but at what cost? Just because someone thinks you're wrong, would you accept defeat? I don't understand, is it that we're just not worth it?
  Don't feel that tingle when you touch, neither when you kiss, but still hurts to tell you I don't understand why you aren't the one I miss... Do you think you are trying to save us? Because I just don't see it. You're so consumed within, that you don't worry about who is in pain.

Escapism, the replacement.

   So! Its 5 am, good morning everyone! I figured am just not able to sleep, probably because of my addiction to a television series, that is GossipGirl. And I wish things in my life could have been a bit different. But who doesn't better stuff? I mean, if I were some person with tonnes of money, I'd still have my own set of problems and if I'd be living on the street, there would be some different troubles. But there would be times I would desperately want my life to be better than what I have in hand no matter who I am. So the best thing to do is to change things you cant accept and if you cant change just learn to live or adjust with them.
The latest stuff happening to me these days would be that I am absolutely addicted to GG and therefore having a dilemma so as to who do I really have a crush on, is it Chace Crawford or Ed Westwick. :P

Chace being the one with the serious character is a real charmer. But Ed does a fantastic job being wicked! Another movie that I saw, with Ed Westwick as the lead was Chalet Girl. Funny how both the names have 'girl' in it... May be girls are dramatic enough to be the subject of the media most of the time. Okay, so the thing is Ed is a total sweetheart in the movie and otherwise in GG he is such a villain so well, that just makes me feel so much more of a fascination towards him :D
Also I found this really awesome song that was one of the soundtracks of Chalet Girl and it made me feel all energetic by Lost Prophets, so here it is-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUVRBovHnG0
   I realised that may be being into so much of movies or TV shows just makes me feel happier. May be I've found something far better to take support of than masochism, which is - Escapism. I guess its better to smile and think about other insignificant stuff in life than to, just beating yourself up in everything that you do. Although support is the worst thing you can get comfortable with because the best thing I've learnt in life up until now, is that you might keep wanting to have someone by your side, but you're most likely to be wanting to be alone very soon. Else that someone would themselves choose someone/something over you.

Wishes.

I wish I come across a genie that said, "your wish is my command."

Things I thought I would never ever even want, are on my firsts in my wish list. Like when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a bride, have a fairytale wedding. Have a loving husband. Have a sweet family with two lovely kids. Isn't what every girl has ever dreamt of? Well, off late, everything and absolutely everything has changed in my life. When I had such innocent dreams, I used be someone who could afford a lot of luxuries of life... Now necessities are difficult to have.
    There used to be a 'man' who promised me a lot in life. And probably it wasn't really him but those promises was what I fell for. I longed so much to have those things that when the thought of being happy was in my head, and when it turned out to be a completely opposite thing, I just felt that my heart was being ripped apart. Now, no, I dont want to be sad again, so lets focus on what things have become now or what I want from life at this day.
Well to start off, I think I've become so numb that now.

• So I would say I just dont want to be married. Its seen everywhere around how people end up when they get married, which can be, angry, tired, bored, frustrated...etc?

• I want lots of money. Like tonnes of it. I want to swim inside like uncle scrooge :D

• I want two big wardrobes. One for my clothes. One for my books. And an entire wall of stuff like 'Charlieissocoollike' :D

• I want a good phone that has a never ending balance! I desperately want to start earning. Want a house of my own, and start living on my own.

• I want tonnes of music around me... I want to lose myself in music.

• I want lots of treks and travels around the world. With lots of fun... lots of new fun people. Happiness all around! :)

• I want my real friends around me. So both sides can have fun.

• Mainly, I WANT FREEDOM! Dont just want to keep waiting, want to fly... far far away...!

27th September 2011.

So, what's exactly on my mind today? Well, its my ex boyfriend's birthday today. It just doesnt feel like its been a year since we went out. That probably was one of the best days I've spent with him happily. I remember dressing up a day before like it was my own birthday since I thought we wouldn't be meeting on the birthday since he would be working. The next day I met him in the evening looking like well, ummm what he called me all the time- a kid. It was one of those few days where Arjun was really happy.
    My break-up I planned for over a month ago, but things were still bad. I mean, I remember thinking constantly about him, all the time, dreaming of him... Probably just going insane. He was a matured man. He wanted me to be, what I want my current boyfriend to be. I guess he wanted me to care more. I am still probably a kid. And I am not really ashamed of it, just a bit restless.
    Sol, is the kind of guy who is extremely giving when he is in the mood. Everyone's the same. First going out of the way to help, now just wanting me to get out of the way. I just dont understand why do people get married, is it the same reason that we have to die after we live? I guess I should start living then.
    So what else is up? Well, I've started being jealous of every other thing that I dont have and others do. And its sort of a necessity to me, not a luxury. So as usual I have been crying. What I miss, is the happiness I used to have, when I knew I had nothing but the fact that I was free, right after 3rd of December last year. Guess I'll move on in a while.
   Been watching 'Two and a half men' a lot lately. And man it is pure fun! :D
I wish I was rich and had a house by the beach (This line cracks my mum all up everytime I say it :P). I also want to be a man with lots of women around and live a lavish lifestyle. I've started wanting to eat, like really, EAT. Also am craving for a McSpicy Chicken since like a week, but mum says I got to wait till Navratri is over. Why does she make me do this when I dont even believe in it? I just do it because I respect her, and if thats what makes her happy, I dont mind :)
  I miss Pranav. I normally dont understand what to talk to him when mom calls him up. Its just awkward but I still really miss him and I wish he was still living with us. I wish my family was all that it used to be, happy, content, sweet, united. Now its just, I want this I want that. Why do we have families when eventually people are going to leave each other? The only person I consider family is mom. I've written a lot of rubbish today. But thats on my mind. So be it rubbish, but I've got to get it out somehow :P

Everything Has To Change

Be it growing up, or walking ahead, things around wont stay the same. Every morning is different. Every person is. You too have to change, and if u don't, situations will do that for you. Its tough, not impossible. Not everyone every time is going to be there. Just sometimes wonder if more than half of the world is heartless, why did god have to equip me with one?
But sometime in life you need to be stable, why does he have to deny that pause or restart button to us?