Things, change all the time.

The way people behave, after sometime, is so complicating. They get bored of you... Start hating you, May be because like I said they start realising that I am a human too. The way he has been behaving, makes me feel like... What have I become? A creature? May be. May be he sees that now. Sometime ago for me he was someone I would not even consider being with, then I did, though I wasnt so involved, but then once I just dont know what happened... I fell for him. So hard, that when I did he understood that I am nothing special and that I dont even need to be made feel special.
Feels like I am compromising, my happiness, he cant even see it. may be he does and he doesnt want to. The sad part is I want him to be happy. Which makes me want to compromise my happiness. That day, he asks "You're doing this because you want to right? Not because I want you to?" And I denied. I wish I had siad yes that day. I wish I could explain what really was on my mind. He does love me. But may be what we have between us is not love. If it were love, both of us would be happy making sacrifices. He is not happy sacrificing his time, and I am not happy sacrificing my happiness. I dont mind sacrificing it, if he were happy. But in spite of doing so, he still wouldnt be happy... KILLS me inside. I want to break free. Scream, Shout, Cry, Laugh. Be what I want to be. Not what someone needs me to be. Today, if I am real busy, and someone asks for help from me, I would definitely sacrifice my stuff and help that person, no matter how much of trouble. But I wouldnt do the same, if that person wouldnt even be happy after me doing so. Wish he would be that same old guy, who would laugh and make me laugh, and behave like life is great. Sadly, things have changed.
I miss you mom. May be not everyday. But I really do. I wish you were here, to show me love, I wish you were here to make me feel that you cared. I wish you were here to say its okay. I need you to tell me its high time for me to start studying. I need you to hug me and say that you love me. I love you ma. I am so tired. I need an out. I want to go off somewhere, may be to a place where I can study. I dont know what I am supposed to do. Dad behaves like, he never cared about me. He gossips like a lady. Why on earth would someone want to know what you are going through? Why dont you mean what you say? Why do you always think everything is negative? Why do you pretend to work hard? Why do you push thing upon others? Why cant you behave like you, and not what you've turned into from all these years, by which I mean, a hypocrite.
I need a place to live alone. Start things all over again. Be me. Love me. Be happy. I dont mind going to Panchgani, Lonavala, Mahabaleshwar, USA, Southpole, Northpole... Wherever!
I want to be me. And I will be happy when I am me. I want to listen to lots of music, may be even compose some. I want to dance, and may be sing. I want to click pictures. I want to watch movies. I want to read stuff. Lots and lots of it. I want to be with mom. I dont want the vicious circle again. Am just plain tired of being what I have to be. I want to help people as well. I've seen that it makes me happier when people are happier. I am scared of exams. Also I am thrilled. I dont know why? This should be different. Will be seventeen during my boards... How thrilling! (sarcastic).

EVANESCENCE - My immortal.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
 Why cant you be with me forever? I'd miss you. I'd miss the silly fights. I'll miss the confusion, I'll miss the tears, I'll miss the once in a blue moon smiles. I'll miss the tension. I'll miss you.
May be you dont want us together. Why are you giving up on me? I know I've been bad, I am sorry, I'll be a good girl. But I know, you dont want to be there. Why held on to me? Why gave me so much that now I cant let go? And now, I wish you would either hold on or let go. So I know if I am lucky, or may be dead.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I am sorry...! I am really so sorry. Why did u lead me on, when you knew that we werent meant to be? Why made me so happy at times that I would forget what being unhappy was, and why made me so worried that I would forget what being happy was? Made me dance on the streets, Those beautiful times when you were all mine. When I knew nothing could go wrong if you're besides me. When just looking at your smile made me so happy, that I can still sacrifice anything and everything for it. 
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You'll always have all of me. I know I am not even needed in your life. May be I was always wrong. I've loved you with all my heart... And yet you felt like you couldnt trust me. Sorry for ruining it. For being the idiot. I am sorry I could never wipe your tears away, I did try all that I could.
You used to captivate me By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I loved that beautiful smile of yours, and the laughter. I loved that since the first time I heard you. You would be so happy I would get attracted to you so easily. And you would be so full of things that would make me happy. And suddenly, may be because of me, you're all dull, angry, upset. May be I shouldn't have answered your call that night. So that you'd be happy forever.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I just dont know, just cant figure out why, you hate me so much, that you're giving up on me. Sometimes when things would go wrong, I would just want to end the fight, and you'd somehow wouldn't conclude it. And I felt like this terrible ache in my heart wishing that I could make you happier. May be you'd feel that making you happy is not what I always thought of.... and that I would want to be happy. Yes, I do. But I would only be happy if you'd be. Which is complex, and I wished you would understand. 
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
I just wish that you could be the guy that I met the first day. The first day I met you, you looked at me as if you really wanted me. You would talk to me so beautifully. As if you didnt want me to think anything else. And you would say such cute things. Talk to me like you wanted me forever... Then, you were the guy who wouldnt want to talk on phone. Wouldnt want to express himself. Wouldnt want to say that he loved me. Wouldnt want me to be attached. Wouldnt be that same guy who would send me messages three pages long, and the guy who would now send messages with hardly five words. I dont know if you've felt lonely. But I do.
I get the feeling that you've been hating me. Doing small trivial things. Even for being there. I am sorry. I love you.

Reason To Be Happy.

Sometimes, when people think, "If I get this, I will be the most happy person on earth." What happens then? Well, if they get it, they would say, "Oh, this was easy to get, Now if I have this, I will be the most happy person." But the truth is, They can never really be happy with something, if they cant be without it. I mean, if tomorrow, I feel I want to get a new phone, and then I get it... I might be happy for a month at the most, and then I might just feel bored of it. If I really would want to value or love something, I can do it all the time! I can feel absolutely whatever I want to, whenever I want to!
 When sometimes I feel that I cant be with and be without him simultaneously, one of my friend, who is really great, and inspires me a lot, said that "You can be with him, sit right besides him and not feel anything at all for him, Or for that matter anyone." And the next minute when I started thinking about it, I was like... Wow..! That is the ultimate truth...!
Sometimes, I really wonder, that when you give so much importance to someone, and that person doesnt even bother to think about you, you feel so disturbed. Thinking, why cant the other person see that I am doing so much for him/her and that they have give me same kind of treatment. Well, I guess its always like, when you're giving importance to the other person, he/she enjoys it, and doesnt want to ruin any part of it. And if probably they start giving you back importance, they become less special. And then you realise that the other person is also just a normal human being!
When, they dont give you any rare treatment, you might not like it very much. Until once, when you may realise that you can lead a perfectly normal life even without their attention, and that they can live without you and so must you. And that is another time when you realise that the person is just another human being! I know this is funny, but that is how it is!
You can be perfectly happy with something and perfectly happy without something. But "Only if you want to" You can feel what ever you want to, the minute you think about all the burdens, responsibilities, desires, mistakes and people it would make you unhappy. But when you are traveling by the bus, and the cool breeze just blows across your face, and you feel happy, or when you're listening to the radio, and have your favorite song played and you cherish that particular moment. Or, may be when you are with the one you love, you dont think about what you've got to do the next day, or what mistake occurred yesterday, you just be there, live that moment. Love your life for each of such moments. Yes, life will be worthwhile.
Here, now, this moment is the most beautiful time in my life, and everything becomes so beautiful. People become nice, work becomes interesting, and you're so free and so happy, so loved. :)

Gloomy Fascination.

Sometimes I wonder, what is so wrong with me? I mean, I am like others but may be, I am not just the same. Nobody is same. But somethings make completely exceptional. So many times I just want to be someone extraordinary, everyone wants to. I mean may be they want to be popular. But I don't want to be popular. Its just that I want to do things that make me stand out, in a good way because it makes me happy. And sometimes when people behave like me, I feel so sad, as in, 'That was what I've been doing, where did you learn it from?'
   I have always wanted to have different kinds of clothes when I had my birthday. Different, but elegant. Got a craze for party dresses before anyone else did. And wore it on my birthday in school in my 8th grade. Suddenly after that, some months later I saw these kind of dresses being a trend. Again, it made me feel like... Arrrrgggghhh...! Not again!
I don't know if I don't fit into the crowd or if I don't want to, but I really like it that way. I had once heard this dialogue in the movie 'Stardust' that its okay if you don't fit in the common people, it is a very good omen. The normal people usually become something just looking at others, and in life when they do that, its not going to fetch them anything.
    There is so much I really love and people dont really like that. May be normal people. I love the night... Its so charming, so fascinating, so enthralling, so calm... Like, when my mom says that you should start your day early, I really feel so sad, because I just can get up early and when she wants me to sleep sooner I cant even do that, since I dont feel sleepy at night, but when there is lots of sunlight in the room I feel drowsy. Sometimes I just wish I could wander outside at night. Roads, my music and me. Unfortunately, being a girl and still being sixteen doesnt let me do so.
  I love the rain. I wish I could just stay there in the pouring rain, getting drenched. Cooling me down. I find it so pleasant. So... peaceful. I mean its sad, its really sad. And it is so sad that it actually makes me happy. May be I am like that kinds who feels happy when others think it is sad. May be I am really abnormal. Or may be its like I realize what it is like to feel happy just when I am sad. I behave absurd when I am happy, or may be I have to behave absurd to be happy. Oh yes, how I can I forget this, I am the most confused person. But its not so bad after all.
    I love music. This is one common thing between every other person I know. There hasn't been anyone who said that they hate it. It soothes me. Calms me, pleases me, makes me feel the most like... Myself. Sometimes it makes me help through times that I am sad, sometimes angry and sometimes help me increase my happiness.
   I love solitude. I would love it when I am with someone that I love, but may be that loved one will not always be with me. Being alone, makes you realize that there is a lot in the world that its meant to be with you, when no one else wants to. I mean this heart will always beat for me. And the sun would always rise for me.
Everything and everyone that makes me feel more like myself, is what I really love doing or being with. I try so hard being something I want to be. Then, my heart says, You're this... not this. Whats the use to being something else?
Then, there are different good things that I am supposed to be, like brave, certain, and not shy. But when I think I am so, I become so. When I think I am not so, I become something else! Sounds so dumb!
But may be it is like that, I mean, when you think something is something, it is going to be that way. But when you want something to be one thing... It will be that one thing only. I know I cant explain this... but that is how I experienced it. Haha.

Trying so hard for the apology.

Don't understand why things all of a sudden, without an explanation become so messy. When you're constantly wondering, why is he behaving this way? What is so wrong that I've done? Is my voice irritating? Am I bugging you too much? Do you need space? Is my ugliness the reason? I hear a lot of times from so many people that am dumb, may be its the same thing you want to prove too. I am sorry for being irritating! For making you frustrate over everything I do. Sorry for making you feel that I am a mistake, talking to me is a mistake. I hate it when you are upset... Hate it when you are angry... Hate it when you dont behave they way you are... And try everything possible to make things normal. But I guess its just my fault.
That one day, when I was out with you for a coffee, probably was the best day of my life. And the difference can be seen so well now. I feel as if I am some kind of disgusting thing that you want to get rid of. All my questions, everything I say sounds like garbage... doesnt it? I cant stay too long without hearing from you, do you think its possible for me to live whole of my life? If you knew so much, why led me on?
If you say that this is the real you, than I write this up an tell you that you were something else sometime ago. A person who would say sorry at the most dumbest thing and the smallest mistake, now behaves as if I was the one mistake that was the worst.
You've made my life beautiful, you made things so real. Made me realise that not everything is a fairytale. And well, yes you are right...! Fairy tales have happy endings. I've never had one yet. And may be if its the way you say its is supposed to be, than its impossible. All I've ever wanted, it comes with a price. I never thought things would ever come to such a terrible extent.
Every time you were upset, I couldnt see that there, I wanted you to be happy. I remember you telling me that you cant always be happy, cant always smile and cant always crack jokes and make things funny. But I guess, I'd never be happy. I was always so scared of you, but may be that is what you wanted.
                                                                                                                                     -With all my love.
                                                                                                                                        your kid.

Growing up isnt always fun.

Especially when you are not supposed to be someone who you really are! I have lived with people who are really elder to me, all my life...! Okay, I know my life may be just 16 and a half years, but for me it is my whole life... right? My mom, dad, brother, friends, batch mates...simply everyone. I didnt really regret it. In fact people whom I met later would tell me that I talk really differently than what normally people of my age would, and that I dont look like I am sixteen, and that would flatter me so much. But when I look more than sixteen, think more than sixteen, talk much better than sixteen, then why am I only sixteen?!?!
Okay so, last week I told mom, I wanted to get myself inked. And after a lot of troubles of telling her how awesome it would be, She ACTUALLY AGREED! So then I start looking at designs and stuff, and where can I get it done and all the questions related to it, and suddenly I come up to this paragraph which says, that I had to be an adult to get a tattoo. My mom, unfortunately was sitting right besides me, and was delighted to hear the news, and I on the other hand was having the exact opposite emotions... I was sooooo frustrated... I had been planning this for months!
I dont want to be sixteen...! Why doesnt this time budge faster? I want to get myself a tattoo! I want to roam alone...! I want to earn so that I can spend! I want to do so much.
It might just seem ironic to someone reading this, but to me... Its such a pain.
Last night I was so irritated and wanted to talk out about this to someone, which I really cant, so searched my diary... But somehow I seem to have lost it. So decided to start blogging. And well this seems to be cool, though I dont understand a lot of concepts here. But will find out soon.
The worst thing about me, is when something troubles me, I just cant concentrate on things other than that thought, which is terribly wrong. I feel so sad so many times and all I do about it is, think over it all the more, listen to sad songs mostly related to the problem, and suffer more. I am super hesitant, and dont even like to go to the counter at McDonald's and order myself something. I know its not hard, and I have done things like these, but I simply feel hesitant, or may be strange or should I say awkward. Trying to change stuff. Hope things go fine...