Gloomy Fascination.

Sometimes I wonder, what is so wrong with me? I mean, I am like others but may be, I am not just the same. Nobody is same. But somethings make completely exceptional. So many times I just want to be someone extraordinary, everyone wants to. I mean may be they want to be popular. But I don't want to be popular. Its just that I want to do things that make me stand out, in a good way because it makes me happy. And sometimes when people behave like me, I feel so sad, as in, 'That was what I've been doing, where did you learn it from?'
   I have always wanted to have different kinds of clothes when I had my birthday. Different, but elegant. Got a craze for party dresses before anyone else did. And wore it on my birthday in school in my 8th grade. Suddenly after that, some months later I saw these kind of dresses being a trend. Again, it made me feel like... Arrrrgggghhh...! Not again!
I don't know if I don't fit into the crowd or if I don't want to, but I really like it that way. I had once heard this dialogue in the movie 'Stardust' that its okay if you don't fit in the common people, it is a very good omen. The normal people usually become something just looking at others, and in life when they do that, its not going to fetch them anything.
    There is so much I really love and people dont really like that. May be normal people. I love the night... Its so charming, so fascinating, so enthralling, so calm... Like, when my mom says that you should start your day early, I really feel so sad, because I just can get up early and when she wants me to sleep sooner I cant even do that, since I dont feel sleepy at night, but when there is lots of sunlight in the room I feel drowsy. Sometimes I just wish I could wander outside at night. Roads, my music and me. Unfortunately, being a girl and still being sixteen doesnt let me do so.
  I love the rain. I wish I could just stay there in the pouring rain, getting drenched. Cooling me down. I find it so pleasant. So... peaceful. I mean its sad, its really sad. And it is so sad that it actually makes me happy. May be I am like that kinds who feels happy when others think it is sad. May be I am really abnormal. Or may be its like I realize what it is like to feel happy just when I am sad. I behave absurd when I am happy, or may be I have to behave absurd to be happy. Oh yes, how I can I forget this, I am the most confused person. But its not so bad after all.
    I love music. This is one common thing between every other person I know. There hasn't been anyone who said that they hate it. It soothes me. Calms me, pleases me, makes me feel the most like... Myself. Sometimes it makes me help through times that I am sad, sometimes angry and sometimes help me increase my happiness.
   I love solitude. I would love it when I am with someone that I love, but may be that loved one will not always be with me. Being alone, makes you realize that there is a lot in the world that its meant to be with you, when no one else wants to. I mean this heart will always beat for me. And the sun would always rise for me.
Everything and everyone that makes me feel more like myself, is what I really love doing or being with. I try so hard being something I want to be. Then, my heart says, You're this... not this. Whats the use to being something else?
Then, there are different good things that I am supposed to be, like brave, certain, and not shy. But when I think I am so, I become so. When I think I am not so, I become something else! Sounds so dumb!
But may be it is like that, I mean, when you think something is something, it is going to be that way. But when you want something to be one thing... It will be that one thing only. I know I cant explain this... but that is how I experienced it. Haha.